Shit the Jedi Says, 2021 Edition

Texas power crisis:

“Texas: Full of robber barons and morons.”

South Carolina

“Florida’s older, retarded neighbor.”

On having a job/going to work:

“It doesn’t mean I’m a responsible adult. It means I’m a blood sacrifice to the Capitalist gods”.

Gas (whilst hunting):

“Jesus, my guts smell like dead goose. Either that, or it’s dead goose.”

Unwanted Christmas gift:

Me: “Put that in the thrift store bag if you don’t want it.” Jedi: “No, I’m going to keep it and assign feelings to it.”

Forest fires:

“Driving a vehicle in Missoula during fire season is like driving around in a bong.”

Small dog:

“It looks like a walking hat.”

My sunny disposition:

“You’re so full of tartness, one drop of your piss would burn a hole in an acid jar.”

Women’s carefully manicured and penciled and powdered eyebrows:

“Looks like a blow-up doll gone wrong.”

My crazy, meddlesome, dramatic co-irker (with a lazy eye):

“Does her google eye get going until she has to be cock slapped?”

Upon realizing he was not alone whilst taking an emergency shit by a secluded creek:

“It sounds like they were catching fish down there. Either that or they saw my butt.”

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Imposter Syndrome

Been experiencing a lot of anxiety about work lately. I went from a senior level position I was overqualified for to a position where I’m the bottom of the totem pole in expertise. I was bored before…and now I’m overwhelmed by how much I need to learn. Moved from guiding people who didn’t understand processes and kept screwing things up to being the person who doesn’t understand processes and screws things up.

Good for the ego, but it makes for some discontent.

At least people are being patient with me. My co-irker in the Data Office told me kindly that she spent an entire weekend trying to learn Tableau and crying her eyes out in frustration. That was comforting.

In other news, we aren’t actually called the Data Office anymore. Administration in yet another hare-brained “Strategic Initiative”, changed the name to Institutional Effectiveness. Or, as I like to say, “In-Effectiveness” for short. If we can’t be impactful at least we have a catchy title to compensate. Higher ed in a nutshell!

Interior Destruction

I have forgotten what belongings I have and where I put them. But, there is no point in digging through boxes and arranging them with the house in the state it is. Anything I bring out will probably be broken or have paint spilled on it.

The Jedi and I found some intact antique bottles in the middle of nowhere ranging from 1890s to 1920s. We brought them home and washed them up and displayed them proudly on a shelf over the kitchen sink. The following week, the Jedi, as he was washing out his paint roller, knocked the entire shelf down and broke all the bottles. They had survived over a hundred years in a forgotten dump on the windswept plains of Havre…only to be destroyed by the Jedi after one week in civilization.

I found him hiding in a corner of the kitchen with hurt puppy eyes. A ridiculous (and amusing) reaction making it impossible to be angry with him…nonetheless…HE DESTROYS EVERYTHING. I will never understand why that man cannot slow down and pay attention to his surroundings instead of smashing everything in his path like a drunken ox.

But, it was our fault for displaying the bottles to begin with. Decorating whilst your house is a construction zone is akin to buying fashionable or expensive clothing whilst trying to lose weight. There’s no point until you get the foundation in order. Otherwise, it just gets in the way and looks bad and is uncomfortable. And, it will likely be destroyed.

At Least

Aside from the doors, it’s nearly impossible to break in to our house without some real effort. None of the windows open and they are triple-paned. Terrible for air flow but great for security. It really is a bunker.

Brother is still up to his old bizarre tricks and he is using our mother to perform reconnaissance. They learned recently we bought a house, thanks to an innocent comment made by my aunt. As far as I know, they don’t know the address, and thanks to the abysmally slow county, it is not yet on public record.

It’s only a matter of time however. He’s more dangerous now because he is single and doesn’t have a woman to hide behind and masquerade his inhumanity. Mom knew this the last time a woman escaped him and she did all in her power to find him a new one. A traitor to her gender. But, it was out of self-preservation. She was trying to free himself from him. I can’t really blame her.

Poor woman. She craves interaction with him…yet when she has him close he poisons her until she needs to escape from him and becomes desperate for freedom from his soul-sucking. As soon as he is away and ignoring her, the cravings start again. He will always come back as long as he gets money out of her. She will always give it. If she doesn’t he will discard her, and she knows this. And the sick love cycle between mother and vampire continues…

We are going to install cameras outside to see if he tries to case the house. He could get here in a day and a half and no one would be the wiser, since he has no job and is accountable to no one.

It’s a shame anyone would have to think such things about one’s own family. So it goes.

Picture Window

The Symbol of Soulless Suburbia. On the first level of the house we have FOUR of these monstrosities. I despise them because they grant us a full view of the ugly soulless neighborhood (nary a flower nor garden) and grant us no privacy as well. They are constructed of triple-paned glass and do not open. This level of the house has zero windows that open to let in fresh air, not even in the kitchen. If we planned to stay here indefinitely I would have them all ripped out and replaced with windows that open. It’s stifling in more senses than one.

The windows are currently covered with heavy massive, theater-style drapes in the same dismal masking tape colour the rest of the house was painted with. Eventually we will replace these with something less obtrusive and more functional but for now they, in conjunction with the wood paneling and wall-to-wall cat hair-infested shag carpet simply contribute to our ennui (especially mine). But, at least it’s privacy.

I am so sensitive to my environment and it is difficult for me to live in a “nest” that is in such shambles. We can’t unpack and make it “ours” until we get the functional and environmental issues addressed. I don’t even want to THINK about decorating or organizing. There’s no point until this place is gutted and cleaned and re-painted, plastered, and tiled, which will not happen for months.

Clearly, I have been cooped up in the house too long and need to venture outside before I slit my wrists. It’s -10 degrees however and I am quite reluctant.


“I don’t think your life has to have a purpose, or you a grand ambition; I think it’s okay to just wander through life finding interesting things until you die.” -Amber Sparks

Been thinking about that a lot lately; watching a lot of documentaries on folks who did have “purpose” and “ambition: Teddy Roosevelt, Winston Churchill, Aung San Suu Kyi. I find it tiresome and off-putting.

My life sure as hell doesn’t have purpose and I’m perfectly okay with that. Capitalist notion, anyway, along with “goals” and “progress” and “leadership” and “destiny”.

Fuck the Protestant Ethic. It’s harmful.

Snow Day

It’s snowing and I think the temperature is -3 outside. The Jedi has been out shoveling snow since 7:30 this morning, for the Greek hotel company that offered him a job when we moved up here. He hasn’t been working for them because he doesn’t want to be inside any structures associated with the travel industry with COVID running rampant still. But, he doesn’t have to be inside to shovel snow!

There has been tension surrounding his employment, or lack thereof. The man seemingly cannot separate his feelings of self-worth from his employment status. He is hypersensitive about being seen as “unemployed”. I told him straight out that I don’t care if he is employed or not; I want him to feel safe. I don’t want to be exposed to COVID either. Furthermore, I don’t like being around him when he is tense and miserable because of his job, like he was in Missoula. But I also admitted I am uneasy being the sole wage earner with a mortgage to pay, especially since the university is unstable.

The university has been unstable ever since I started working there…but it is significantly more unstable now because of the enrollment drop as the result of COVID. The past two weeks I was working on metrics specifically in preparation for significant cuts. That will translate to layoffs, mark my words. I only hope I am not one of those layoffs.

But I digress. The Jedi, being linear brained and reactive, ignored all of the nuance and my many disclaimers and paid attention only to the point he is most sensitive about: that I’m uncomfortable with his unemployment. I love the man but times like these I want to bash his head in with a shovel. RELATIONSHIPS are DIFFICULT.