Texas power crisis:
“Texas: Full of robber barons and morons.”
South Carolina
“Florida’s older, retarded neighbor.”
On having a job/going to work:
“It doesn’t mean I’m a responsible adult. It means I’m a blood sacrifice to the Capitalist gods”.
Gas (whilst hunting):
“Jesus, my guts smell like dead goose. Either that, or it’s dead goose.”
Unwanted Christmas gift:
Me: “Put that in the thrift store bag if you don’t want it.” Jedi: “No, I’m going to keep it and assign feelings to it.”
Forest fires:
“Driving a vehicle in Missoula during fire season is like driving around in a bong.”
Small dog:
“It looks like a walking hat.”
My sunny disposition:
“You’re so full of tartness, one drop of your piss would burn a hole in an acid jar.”
Women’s carefully manicured and penciled and powdered eyebrows:
“Looks like a blow-up doll gone wrong.”
My crazy, meddlesome, dramatic co-irker (with a lazy eye):
“Does her google eye get going until she has to be cock slapped?”
Upon realizing he was not alone whilst taking an emergency shit by a secluded creek:
“It sounds like they were catching fish down there. Either that or they saw my butt.”
